I Know Nothing

I've noticed that my posts tend to be very short compared to ones on other blogs. I guess it comes from my background in sketch comedy. There's never been a sketch that couldn't be funnier if it were shorter - see Saturday Night Live for proof.

But I think this post is going to end up a lot longer becuase it's about what I've learned that I don't know. And that could fill a book.

It's funny that having a baby will make you realize you are sorely lacking in several categories. And I'm not talking about the "Oh, my baby has helped me see the magic in everyday things" variety.

As amazing and smart as I'm sure Baby Girl is, she isn't exactly stopping to appreciate the beauty around her yet. Nope, at this age, the only thing Baby Girl seems to "appreciate the beauty" in are our curtains and the discovery that those hands are attached to her and can almost fit totally in her mouth.

And the only thing that has taught me is that our curtains really need to be washed and that I hope the saying "cold hands, warm heart" is true because having those freezing cold, wet, clammy hands clutching at my boobs is not that fun.

What I'm talking about not knowing are the things I never realized I would need to know when I had a baby. Oh sure, I took those infant care classes and I read all the books so I knew how to bathe her, change her, dress her, swaddle her, blah, blah, blah.

What they neglected to teach me? How to entertain her!

That's right, there are hours to fill with activities for Baby Girl, who hasn't yet figured out how to play with toys and is only happy when her mom is performing for her. To entertain a baby, you find out that you better turn into a goofball with facial expressions to rival Jim Carrey.

You suddenly realize that you don't know more than two sentences of any song. And the one you DO know? Rock A Bye Baby? You'll realize in the middle of singing it that you're about to send the baby hurtling to a horrible death.

I've resorted to singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat over and over and Baby Girl never holds up her end of the round.

So you go out and buy a book of nursery rhymes and stories. Let's start with Henny Penny. Remember Henny Penny? She thinks the sky is falling. Well, that story ends with the deaths of every single one of the characters we have come to know and love - Henny Penny, Goosey Loosey and Ducky Lucky - a misnomer if there ever was one.

I had a discussion with some friends the other night and we realized that almost every childhood story we could remember involved a horrible death of some kind - often killing our hero, especially fairy tales. What's up with that?

There needs to be a book that they give you when your baby is born - Infants for Dummies, Entertaining from 0-3 Months. Forget information about changing a diaper - this book would have suggestions for silly faces to make during those diaper changes, how to sing the ABC song in different accents, the words to Wheels on the Bus and other ridiculously repetitive children's songs, stories that don't involve bloody deaths, etc.

Even without that though, I'm slowly figuring it out and at least Baby Girl thinks I'm the funniest thing she's ever seen. Well, except for her dad when he does his Barney Fife impression.

I'm enjoying it immensely because I know in 13 years, she's not going to find me funny AT ALL! Sort of like Saturday Night Live*. How's that for a callback?


*Although I do think that this season is slowly turning around thanks to some really funny new cast members like Kristen Wiig and Andy Samberg.