Not a Happy Post

I've had such a hard time with this post. It took me a week to be able to write it and then days to be able to post it. I couldn't figure out what to say or how to say it but finally decided just to come right out and say it.

We lost the baby.

At the LA Blogger party, I was talking about the ultrasound I had on Friday and how it wasn't fun at all. Usually the technicians are all talkative and showing you the baby and this one was kind of weird. I thought it was just her.

Turns out though that the baby didn't have a heartbeat and, of course, she couldn't say anything to me. Now I feel bad for her. That can't be a fun part of the job.

Anyway, the doctor called me on Monday with the news. I clung to the hope that the machine had malfunctioned until we went to the doctor's office on Tuesday and she confirmed that there was no mistake.

I think everyone's first reaction to something like this is guilt. You wonder what you did wrong - maybe I shouldn't have taken that Spinning class or drank that Diet Coke. I, of course, started thinking that it was punishment for some horrible inappropriate jokes I've made.

But, really, that's all crap. If fetuses can hang in there while their moms do heroin, I think they're pretty hardy. As the doctor pointed out, if something goes wrong at this point, it's most likely due to a genetic defect in the baby.

I mean, in the big scheme of things, this is a sad disappointment, not a tragedy. It just sets back our plans a few months. And we're very lucky for the way it happened. It could have been much worse. Still, it took me a few days to feel better about it.

One thing that's amazed me in the past week is learning how many women I know who've had a miscarriage. I guess it's not something you talk about often but it's been really comforting to hear about everyone's experiences. I suppose that's why I finally decided I had to post.

That's what blogging is all about, right? Being able to share the shit along with the good times. Next up, cute pictures of Baby Girl!