Write Write Baby

On Hiatus

2008-02-15T16:53:00.000-08:00

Sorry guys, with the strike ending, it's back to work time. I'm a little overwhelmed right now with work and life so I'm taking a break from blogging. You can still watch my latest videos here.

School Days, School Daze...

2008-02-01T22:45:00.000-08:00

Yep, Baby Girl started preschool this morning. Everyone told me to prepare to be sad and maybe even cry. I had quite the opposite reaction after dropping her off - total glee!

OK, I'm not totally a sociopathic mom. Yes, I was excited about having some free time but I'm also really excited for Baby Girl. She loves having other kids around and she just doesn't get enough of that.

After going through hell trying to find the "right" place, we finally found a place that is heaven for her - huge play house area, giant outdoor playground, piles of puzzles, blocks and other building materials and so much more. We actually chose an "arts" preschool...which basically means...more coloring. YAY!

Seriously though, they focus a lot on music, dance, arts and crafts, gymnastics, etc. All the stuff that BG can't get enough of.

Here's some pics of her first day:

She had such an awesome time that the only time she cried was when I carried her out the door to go home. Apparently, I'm not nearly as much fun as a room full of toys and kids. Who knew?

Read a Book, Read a Book, Read a MotherF*@#ing Book

2007-12-19T19:19:00.000-08:00

One bonus of spending time at my mom's is that there's no Tivo or Netflix guilting me into watching. It's funny how things that are supposed to make your life more convenient end up making you feel more pressured.

By the time Baby Girl goes to bed, we clean up the debris from our play session, wash dishes & other chores, it's 9 or 9:30. Thanks to Netflix, we pretty much always have 3 movies waiting and Tivo must have 25 hours of stuff that we've taped - both movies and TV shows.

Every night it's a battle to watch as much as we can before I pass out on the couch. Unfortunately, we're losing. I always think I should cancel some shows but then someone will tell me how great this new show is...and I add it too. I really love television but some days, I just want to cancel cable. And my Netflix is a free subscription so no point in canceling that!

Anyway, the point was that at my mom's house, I was finally able to read a book - Without Lying Down: Frances Marion and the Powerful Women of Early Hollywood by Cari Beauchamp. I've had it for a while, thinking I'd read it on the treadmill at the gym, but then I didn't want to get it all sweaty and gross.

Hmmm, now I'm a sweaty gross woman who hasn't read a book. Nice mental picture.

Try to erase that from your mind because it's not fair to the book, which is a fascinating look at Frances Marion, who was Hollywood's highest paid screenwriter - male or female - for almost 3 decades, and the women who worked with her, including Mary Pickford, Marion Davies, Anita Loos and Hedda Hopper.

I couldn't put it down and highly recommend this book if you're a woman, a screenwriter or interested in early Hollywood. If you're reading this blog, I assume you must be.

Either that or you're just looking for a way to humiliate your husband.

Blubbering Idiot

2007-12-15T23:12:00.000-08:00

One thing you shouldn't do when you're unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant? Make sure every movie you see revolves around pregnancy or features a pregnant woman.

The last three movies I've seen are Juno, Waitress and Lars and the Real Girl.

Now don't get me wrong. I thought all three were really great movies. However, when everyone else is laughing and you're crying like an idiot? Maybe you should be avoiding these kinds of films.

With all the blubbering I've been doing lately, you'd think I was pregnant but no such luck. It's weird wanting something so much that 10 years ago you prayed would never happen to you.

Turns out it's not as easy as you'd think to get knocked up - oh yeah, saw that movie too.

Am I a glutton for punishment or what?

Thanks-mas

2007-12-10T23:00:00.000-08:00

Just got back from a weekend with my mom and it went so much better than I expected. Suffice it to say that my family is an excellent candidate for its own Maury Povich episode.

I would have said Jerry Springer, but there's not enough yelling. It's much more of a passive aggressive "I'm not speaking to so-and-so because 14 years ago, she said such-and-such to me."

Anyway, it actually turned out to be quite pleasant. Of course, the brevity of the visit was insurance. And my severe cat allergy was the back-up plan as my half-sister who now lives with my mom (after being estranged for more than 20 years) has a cat.

Oh, it's such a long story and I'm just too tired to relate it here. The hubby is trying to convince me to write a book about it but I'm afraid it would turn out with too much tragedy to be comedy. We'll see.

In the meantime, I think I'll spend my time worrying about my daughter. I think she's a little strange...

Video of the week

2007-12-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

Feeling too lazy to blog so, instead, enjoy this video that we made. And yes, that is Baby Girl in a starring role.

Vacation heaven for little girls

2007-11-25T19:43:00.000-08:00

So technically we were on vacation all week. The hubby made plans to take the week off months ago and we started planning our surf trip to Costa Rica.

Then the strike happened, along with some wackiness at hubby's work, and the week in Costa Rica became 3 days in San Diego.

Thanks AMPTP!

I can't complain too much though because we had a great time. We took a chance on a hotel we found on the internet that was right on Mission Bay. Lucky us - it turned out to be toddler heaven.

Seriously. The place not only was surrounded by beach and calm water, it had a heated pool, playground, duck pond and, I kid you not, a seal pond. Yep, with an actual seal in it that you could watch get fed twice a day.

Baby Girl thought she'd hit the jackpot. So did hubs and I when we realized that $100 for a Sea World admission for the three of us was ridiculous when we had a real live seal we could see up close every day.

The only bummer was that it was a bit colder than Costa Rica would have been. We went surfing at Mission Beach, which was a lot of fun for me in my nice warm wetsuit. Not so much fun for hubs and Baby Girl, as she insisted on hanging out in the water until her lips turned purple, then screamed bloody murder that her father could be so cruel as to insist that she warm up.

We decided to skip surfing for the next day and hang at the Zoo. Of course, no vacation for us can be obstacle-free and we had forgotten to take a stroller with us. We spent part of the night trying to find a place to buy a cheap umbrella stroller. I swear that I've seen those things everywhere yet not one place we went to sold them.

I always wondered why I see people renting those strollers at the zoo for $10, but I just couldn't see spending that much to rent something that Baby Girl would sit in for 15 minutes between jumping out to see animals, so we went without. It actually turned out fine as Baby Girl got nice and tired running between exhibits.

She fell asleep at 8 p.m. every night with no fuss. I guess we just need to spend our lives on vacation for her to sleep well. Oh wait...I forgot the nightmare that was Italy. Never mind.

Still, it was nice to spend a full week with the two coolest people I know.

Another awesome video...

2007-11-19T19:33:00.000-08:00

This pretty much says it all.

Check out UnitedHollywood.com for more explanations of why we're on strike.

Big night out!

2007-11-18T20:41:00.000-08:00

The hubby and I finally got out of the house on Friday night...sans Baby Girl. It's the first time we've been out alone together in at least two months and, man, did we need it! (Thanks Danielle!)

We went to a great party at Terry Rossio's house. (And there begins my name dropping.) He threw it together at the last minute to give everyone on strike a chance to celebrate our solidarity and...oh hell, it was a chance to get drunk.

The hubby and I are the worst planners so, once again, our night began in disaster. At first, we thought we'd go to a nice dinner at the Tam O'Shanter. It's a kitschy Scottish-themed restaurant but it's owned by Lawry's so they actually have surprisingly good food.

But we realized when Danielle arrived that if we went to dinner there, we wouldn't make it to Terry's place until 11. So we decided to head over to his neck of the woods and find a restaurant.

Big mistake. Everything that looked remotely decent had crowds of people waiting to get in. Desperate for a meal, we ended up at Denny's.

Even though it wasn't exactly a five-star dining experience, it was still nice to be able to eat a meal and talk without little fingers grabbing at my plate, then my eyes, then screeching when I remove said fingers from deep within my sockets.

Of course, when we got to Terry's, he had tons of food. Not one to let free food pass me by, I did take advantage of the dessert spread.

It was one of those weird evenings where people that you know in different ways all seem to converge in one place. Not surprisingly, we ran into most of SoCal Film Group and Monkey with a Shotgun.

But we were surprised and excited to see L.A. Daddy and L.A. Mommy so soon after the arrival of L.A. Baby, who made her first Hollywood party appearance.

Another surprise appearance came with Kevin and Will. We hadn't seen them since the big LA Blogger party earlier this year. We had a great time catching up, especially since this time we didn't have to run off in the middle of the conversation to keep Baby Girl out of the jacuzzi.

We were having so much fun, we had to keep calling home. "We'll be home by midnight." Ok, we'll be home by 12:30." "Maybe it'll be closer to 1:30." Danielle was awesome though and told us to stay as long as we wanted.

We finally dragged ourselves away from the party and got home at 2. After chatting with Danielle and watching a little TV to wind down, I didn't fall asleep until 3 a.m. Luckily, Baby Girl let me sleep in all the way until 8:30.

Gah. I still haven't recovered. But it was so worth it.

The horror!

2007-11-14T23:13:00.000-08:00

I had a very full day yesterday. I met my actor friend Tim at Universal for the big "bring a celeb to strike" day. Tim is a regular reader of the blog but never posts a comment. Maybe finally being IN the blog will inspire him.

Anyway, we tried actually picketing at first but got tired of fighting our way past the myriad camera crews. Of course, they were all there to get reactions from the celebs - most of who I wouldn't have known if they smacked me with their picket sign. The only reason I even noticed most of them was because they had cameras in their faces. Tim was laughing at me because I watch television more than most people in the universe.

And yet I am still the absolute worst at recognizing celebrities. Well, not the absolute worst. One of my friends saw someone that looked familiar and started questioning him.

"Don't I know you from somewhere?"

"Um, I don't think so."

"I definitely know you from somewhere."

"Well, I'm an actor."

"I don't think that's it."

"Look, I'm Robert Blake."

Ohhhhh, never mind.

Actually, it's not just celebrities I have trouble remembering. I've seen a few people that look familiar to me walking the picket line but I'm too embarrassed to talk to them. Because they're either going to tell me that they're my next door neighbor and I'll feel like an idiot, or they'll tell me they're on TV...and I'll feel like an idiot.

Case in point, I'm at a neighborhood carnival and a woman stops me and Baby Girl to say hello. She definitely knows us and I'm desperately trying to place her. She has a baby so I must know her from a moms group or something... The hubby walks away so I can't even buy a clue from him. I make awkward conversation for a while and still can't figure it out. After she leaves and the hubby comes back, I ask who it was.

"Seriously? That's our pediatrician."

Oh jeez. Yeah, just the woman responsible for keeping my precious child alive. No big deal.

Anyway, after the rally, Tim and his roomie and I went to In-N-Out for burgers. Yum! Then I realize that I am hosting playgroup this afternoon and since I took the Metro to the rally, I'm barely going to make it home.

This is the second time I've hosted playgroup and the second time I've barely made it home in time. I end up offering snacks like stale broken tortilla chip pieces and dried fruit. Luckily the women in my playgroup are cool.

Everyone talks about the crazy competition between moms, especially in L.A. I guess some of that's true but most of the moms I meet around here are great. Anyway, two hours of refereeing toddlers who all want the same toy and I'm exhausted.

Still, we have a meeting tonight to talk about our online sketch comedy stuff. It's now the one project I've got that's still got deadlines.

It's kind of weird that I'm on strike and yet feel busier than ever. I tried to tell Baby Girl I was on a mommy strike today but she just laughed.

Ohmigod, I just realized something.

Baby Girl is a studio executive!

The strike is addling my brain

2007-11-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

I was actually excited to hear that today was "bring your kid to strike" day. I've been bringing Baby Girl almost every day but thought this would be much more fun for her. There'd be other kids to hang out with.

So I spent some time making her her very own picket sign. (We tried letting her hold the bigger one while we carried her but she kept smacking us in the head with it.)

Then I looked at the strike information and realized that the shift times had changed and the strike now ends at 2 p.m. D'oh! Baby Girl wasn't set to get home until 3 p.m.

Well, I guess I'll have to make do by posting some of the photos from Friday. I headed down to the big rally at Fox and met up with some cohorts from SoCal Film Group - Steve and Mike G. and Susan (who's technically an ex-member but still beloved).

We stood for a while and marveled at how many people were there. I saw a few people I've worked with in the past and said hello. Mainly though, it was just great to see the massive numbers that turned out.

CAA even sent out some guys in suits with churros. Although I was a little concerned about agents handing out anything no strings attached. I kept asking Steve if the churro was making him feel woozy or strangely convinced that he should drop his current agent for one at CAA.

Steve and I ended up marching all over the place. I was actually disoriented by the time I had to go find my car.

Oh, and I finally remembered my camera. Here are some of the photos I managed to take.

This was my view of the stage. Not nearly as inspiring as I'd hoped.

Aren't they smiling a little too much? What is in those churros?

After we'd walked up Pico past Fox, we turned around and came back to see the people waiting their turn. Pretty impressive sight, especially considering the lazy and/or anti-social nature of most writers.

Now that's really putting your ass on the line. Seriously, how much do the Reno 911 guys rock?

As if I didn't have enough to worry about...

2007-11-08T21:31:00.000-08:00

Today, I find out that I can doom my child to a life of stupidity by not naming her something that starts with "A" or "B" or I can doom her to a life of stupidity by buying her toys that turn out to be laced with drugs.

Sweet.

In other news, spent the afternoon picketing at Paramount with Baby Girl. I had a lovely conversation with the immensely talented Phil Rosenthal, who created Everybody Loves Raymond. It made me feel a little better about my one tiny project that was put on hold when I heard about how many things he stands to lose out on. It was funny because I seriously just read his book so I got the chance to tell him how much I loved it. If you're interested in sitcoms, liked Everybody Loves Raymond or just want to know why you should avoid a certain all-inclusive resort, I highly recommend this book.

Also saw Jason Alexander, who came out to support the troops. And yeah, still no pics. Why, dear god, can I not remember to bring a camera?

Unfortunately, looks like I'll have plenty more time to take photos as there's still no end in sight.

Strikes, cookies and ex-presidential candidates

2007-11-07T19:49:00.000-08:00

Alright, I realize that I didn't blog for a while and all 3 of you loyal readers were concerned. Especially after my post about leaving for Italy and the disasters that strike whenever I travel.

No travel-related disasters to report, beyond that of traveling all over Italy with a toddler in tow. I'll post separately on that.

So what have I been up to? Well, 3 weeks in Italy was more like 5 weeks when you factor in the extensive battle plans and recovery time.

Beyond that, when I returned, the writing partner and I were under the gun to finish our latest treatment for a development exec. We finally finished it last week and got it to her.

And now we're on strike. Hence, time to blog.

For those of you who don't understand the writers' strike, there's an excellent video on YouTube that explains it well.

This afternoon, the hubby and I headed over to the strike line at Paramount with Baby Girl and some chocolate chip cookies. A bunch of photographers took pics of Baby Girl picketing. Of course, she had to be rubbing a chocolate cookie all over her face at the time. So if your local paper features a dirty-faced little girl on her dad's shoulders holding a picket sign, you heard it here first.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson came by near the end of the day to support us. That was pretty cool. Of course, hubby's phone camera wouldn't work so no photos for us. However, I can say that Jesse Jackson ate my cookies. Why does that sound so dirty?

Actually, we were all heading out at the end of the day and I hear, "Cookie lady, hey, cookie lady!" It was Jesse's (I can call him that now that we're old friends) bodyguard wanting more of my cookies.

You think it was because I was dressed like this?

Hey, gotta make a living somehow now that I'm unemployed...

Halloween is an evil evil holiday!

2007-11-02T19:01:00.000-07:00

Yes, Halloween is evil. Oh, not because of the witches, goblins and ghouls. Or the other really scary decorations...

It's because of the candy.

See, Baby Girl is still pretty young. She doesn't really get the concept of Halloween. Every time I start explaining - "Listen, honey, it's a Christian adaptation of the pagan holiday of Samhain" - she just tunes me out.

But that doesn't mean she doesn't want to put on a costume and go up to a bunch of doors and grab handfuls of candy. Even if we made her go as Sean Preston Federline with mommy as Britney and daddy as the court appointed supervisor. Man, were we tired of explaining THAT costume by the 10th house!

We went trick or treating in Hancock Park - one of the ritzy areas of L.A. I would have LOVED this area as a kid. One house was actually giving out full sized candy bars! There must have been hundreds of kids in the streets.

We didn't make it very far before Baby Girl was done with the whole process. I mean, those lawns are pretty big to walk across for someone her size.

Once we got home, I surveyed her candy haul and realized that as a responsible parent, I really only had one choice. I had to make the ultimate sacrifice...and eat all of her candy.

I mean, no loving mother could let her toddler eat that much chocolate, right? Right? I'm still trying to decide if the stomach pain is sugar overload or guilt.

And that's why Halloween is an evil, evil holiday.

Feeling Paranoid...

2007-08-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

It's too dang hot to blog but guilt has won out. I'm working hard on a writing deadline now (hopefully some good news to post about that soon) and planning a trip to Italy with Baby Girl. An Italian friend made me an offer I couldn't refuse - a friends/family pass and some cheap digs with her Italian family. Whoo-hoo!

Although I'm feeling a bit paranoid about travel lately. See, I think I'm a bit of a bad luck bringer. Let's count down what's happened after my recent trips -

A trip to Thailand in November 2004 - A tsumani in Thailand December 2004
A trip to New Orleans in June 2005 - Hurricane Katrina in August 2005
A trip to Minneapolis in July 2005 - Bridge collapse in August 2005

Oh, I should add that I recently taped an appearance on a game show - Merv Griffin's Crosswords. And now he's dead.

Am I Schleprock? Seriously, is the leaning tower of Pisa history?

Dessert, anyone?

2007-07-27T21:17:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite desserts is a Thai dish called Sticky Rice with Custard. It's not too bad with mango either. If you haven't had it, it's basically rice made with coconut milk and sugar, although that doesn't really do it justice.

Yum!
It's hard to find at most Thai restaurants and I used to obsess about being able to get it. The hubby even tried to make it himself but it wasn't quite the same.

However, since we are lucky enough to live very close to Thai Town in Los Angeles, we did some exploring and discovered an amazing Thai dessert place. Not only do they have sticky rice every day but they have an amazing array of other Thai desserts.

The other day I was having a craving so I drove up there and picked up a few dishes. I always try to pick out something new and this time I grabbed 3 things that I've never had that looked interesting.

One of the fun things of picking out something new at this place is guessing what the items will actually taste like from the ingredient list. For example, this dish listed only two ingredients: coconut milk and water chestnuts.

Hmmm...so what exactly made it green? I had to turn it over for the photo because from the top, it just looked white (the stuff in the lower right corner in the other pic). Now, don't get me wrong, it was actually really tasty but does anyone have any idea what the heck it is?

Toddler Travel

2007-07-25T11:56:00.000-07:00

Why is it that it takes twice as long to recover from a vacation than you spend on it? We returned from our 5 day trip to Minnesota 10 days ago and I'm just now starting to get back on track.

I always have such high hopes when I get to the airport, but to no avail. I have the worst airplane karma of all time.

For example, on our last trip back from Thailand (pre-baby), we got to the airport very early and requested bulkhead seats so that we'd have a little more legroom on the 14 hour flight. Our friends did the same and we were seated in the same row.

When we get on the plane...well, while our friends have bulkhead, it turns out that there's actually an extra row in front of our seats. An extra large gentleman takes the seat directly in front of me and proceeds to fully recline his seat into my lap.

Basically, he's practically lying flat while I stare at his dandruffy head, unable to even cross my legs. He snoozed away while I fumed and contemplated punching him repeatedly in the head.

Since Baby Girl is such a good traveler (and we're really cheap), we did not buy a seat for her. We booked red eye flights both ways, figuring that they'd be less full and she would sleep the whole way. Well, half of that was true on the way out. The flight was completely packed but she did sleep so we were fine.

On the way back, we requested seats in the back of the plane, hoping we might get an empty row. We ended up in the second to last row, so far so good. Only this is the only row on the plane where the arm rests don't go up!

So much for Baby Girl comfortably laying across our laps and snoozing gently. The worst part was that, while our row was full, the row behind had one guy in it who stretched out across the seats. GRRR!

Anyway, we're back now with no permanent damage, except to my brain stem. Hopefully, I'll get out some regular posts now. At least until our next vacation.

Protesting thighs

2007-07-02T14:38:00.000-07:00

I have absolutely no patience for technology. That's part of what makes me a terrible blogger. Every time I want to post a picture, I have to use a different computer in the house, spend 30 minutes working with the worst photo editing software on the planet, then try 3 or 4 times to get it to upload.

Only I usually give up after 2 tries. I've been trying to edit and post these pictures since Sunday night.

Anyway, this is how we spent this weekend. We finally got back out and went surfing. That's daddy surfing way back there in the background.

I love to surf but hate cold water and wetsuits. Nothing is more frustrating and demoralizing than trying to jam yourself into a skintight wetsuit and pull it up your protesting thighs. I suddenly have the name of my post!

We had a great time but our motto seems to be "it isn't fun until someone bleeds." Whenever we do something active, inevitably, one of us gets hurt. This time it was me.

I should have taken a picture of the scrapes on my arm and leg. Nothing like putting a little blood in the water when you're scared shitless of sharks.

I also burned the crap out of the tops of my feet. Brilliant me, I made sure to slather up Baby Girl with sunscreen but neglected to get all the sand off my feet when I put on the sunscreen.

Hello, lobster toes. Ouch! Especially since Baby Girl's favorite new hobby is "helping" mommy put on her shoes.

But look at the two of them post-surfing. What's a little blood when you get to hang out and look at those two mugs?

For whom the sleep tolls...

2007-06-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been so tired that you had to look down to make sure you remembered to wear pants? Welcome to my morning.

Baby Girl did her screaming act until 2 a.m. last night. I told the hubby that someone must have called Child Protective Services by now because it sure sounded like we were killing her.

We tried a long walk, reading books, singing lullabies, smothering her with a pillow, nothing worked. I even tried driving her around the neighborhood at 1 a.m. with no luck.

At 1:30, she was bouncing up and down on my stomach like it was the bull at Saddle Ranch. I was so tired I almost fell asleep anyway.

Finally, she couldn't keep her eyes open any more and down she went, like Horshack in that fight with Screech. OK, so I'm a little loopy tonight.

And tonight? She went right to sleep. What the hell?!?!?!

I guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but I still can't relax. Every sound I hear, I think it's her and she's going to start screaming.

The sleep deprivation toll so far?

One set of lost keys including the only back up key and alarm fob for one car
One accidental ladder-meets-lip incident for Baby Girl and daddy
One rear ending (with the car people - we're way too tired for that!) and, of course, the other car just had to be a Porsche

I really hope this whole horrible phase is over because we can't afford to lose any more sleep!

Sleepless Nights

2007-06-24T20:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't had the energy to blog lately because my daughter has decided that, rather than going happily to sleep at 8:30 every night, a much better option would be to scream for 2 or 2 and a half hours.

Usually, we put her in her crib and all is quiet for about 5-10 minutes. Every night we think it's finally over and she's going to go to sleep. But it's only the calm before the storm.

Suddenly the screaming begins. When you get to her room, her face is all puffy and red and wet with tears. It's pretty horrifying. Even if we sit in her room with her, as long as she remains in that crib, she screams.

The only solution is to take her back out of the crib, put her in the stroller and go for a walk. She passes out in about 3 seconds, we put her back in the crib and she usually stays out. Unless, like tonight, she wakes back up and begins the rounds of screaming again.

This has been going on for a little over a week now and I don't know what to do. I can deal with letting her cry for a set period of minutes but, people, this IS NOT crying. This is top-of-her-lungs, someone-is-killing-me screaming.

I just want my "goodnight, baby, love you" right to sleep baby back! For now, I'm sticking with "goodnight, baby girl, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning!"

Sign of the Times

2007-06-20T11:46:00.000-07:00

I know I said I was going to post some cute pics of Baby Girl next but I've been too dang lazy to do it and realized I had better post something. Big thanks to everyone who replied and emailed after my last post. It's always nice to feel love and support.

Baby Girl has been amazing lately. She's turning into the sweetest little kid. All love and hugs and kisses. I'm trying to enjoy this because I know the terrible tantrums are coming.

Although I really think sign language is the key to her easy-going nature. I'm usually not a big pusher of anything to do with parenting. I mean, who the hell am I to say what's right? Not to mention that I'm afraid to tell anyone how I parent because I'll have to listen to a 30-minute rant about how I'm doing it wrong, whatever it is.

Still, I find myself raving about signing to anyone who'll listen. Well, anyone who asks anyway.

I'll be at the park with Baby Girl and she'll sign "swings" or "slide" or something and another mom will say, "Oh, you're doing sign language?" The next thing I know I'm giving out websites and recommending videos. I can't stop!

I'm such a freak about it because it's working so well for us. Baby Girl very rarely gets upset because she can just tell us what she wants in sign. (Although it doesn't stop her from getting upset when she can't have what she signs.)

We started signing to her when she was born but she didn't show any interest at all. At around 9 months, I told the hubby that she couldn't care less about signing. Then, we decided to try watching Signing Time on PBS. Ding, ding, ding!

Suddenly, Baby Girl started signing away. Her first sign was "dog" due to her fascination with ours and it didn't stop. For her first birthday, we bought her the Baby Signing Time DVD and CD sets and she is obsessed with them.

I was one of those people who swore my child wouldn't watch TV for the first 2 years but, damn, these Signing Time shows are amazing. We sit and watch them together and BG signs along and has even started singing along with the songs, which are horribly catchy. Well, if you can call it singing. I'll have to figure out how to post video of her doing it. It's pretty funny.

About two months ago, every time we'd get in the car, Baby Girl would start making this horrible screeching noise and just wouldn't stop. It took us a few weeks to remember those CDs and out they went to the car. Sure enough, BG now sits happily in the car and signs along.

She's learned to say "thank you" and "sorry" and "please" although I have to admit sometimes I regret that. She'll ask you to do something that she can't (like go outside at night) and when you say no, she'll look at you really sweet and sign "please" over and over. THAT is really hard to say no to!

But I'm staying strong. I've only let her play in the street twice. What? She said please!

I can't figure out a way to end this so I'll just end the way I started - lazily.

FYI - This is sign language for all done or finished.

Not a Happy Post

2007-06-11T12:33:00.000-07:00

I've had such a hard time with this post. It took me a week to be able to write it and then days to be able to post it. I couldn't figure out what to say or how to say it but finally decided just to come right out and say it.

We lost the baby.

At the LA Blogger party, I was talking about the ultrasound I had on Friday and how it wasn't fun at all. Usually the technicians are all talkative and showing you the baby and this one was kind of weird. I thought it was just her.

Turns out though that the baby didn't have a heartbeat and, of course, she couldn't say anything to me. Now I feel bad for her. That can't be a fun part of the job.

Anyway, the doctor called me on Monday with the news. I clung to the hope that the machine had malfunctioned until we went to the doctor's office on Tuesday and she confirmed that there was no mistake.

I think everyone's first reaction to something like this is guilt. You wonder what you did wrong - maybe I shouldn't have taken that Spinning class or drank that Diet Coke. I, of course, started thinking that it was punishment for some horrible inappropriate jokes I've made.

But, really, that's all crap. If fetuses can hang in there while their moms do heroin, I think they're pretty hardy. As the doctor pointed out, if something goes wrong at this point, it's most likely due to a genetic defect in the baby.

I mean, in the big scheme of things, this is a sad disappointment, not a tragedy. It just sets back our plans a few months. And we're very lucky for the way it happened. It could have been much worse. Still, it took me a few days to feel better about it.

One thing that's amazed me in the past week is learning how many women I know who've had a miscarriage. I guess it's not something you talk about often but it's been really comforting to hear about everyone's experiences. I suppose that's why I finally decided I had to post.

That's what blogging is all about, right? Being able to share the shit along with the good times. Next up, cute pictures of Baby Girl!

Bloggers Unmasked

2007-06-03T23:58:00.000-07:00

I was feeling really guilty about not posting for a while because I’ve been so tired and uninspired. Saturday night, I headed out to the LA Blogger party, hosted by LA Daddy. There I met some great people and found out I’m not the only reluctant blogger in the bunch.

We ended up not being able to find a babysitter so it was the hubby, Baby Girl and myself. We told LA Daddy we’d set up a room for anyone else who had to bring the kids but turns out we’re the only losers who can’t find a sitter. We did have a good reason though as it was one of our good friends 30th birthday and most of our sitters were hanging out there.

Anyway, we still had a great time chatting with everyone. Well, I did anyway. The hubby spent most of his evening chasing Baby Girl around the house and away from the temptingly lit in-ground Jacuzzi.

I was happy to meet Stefanie from Baby on Bored, who I knew was funny and cool from reading her blog, but was doubly-so in person. I also had a great time chatting with some new people and catching up on their blogs afterwards - Suebob from Red Stapler and Kevin Charnas and his partner Will, although I thought his spandex outfit and feather boa was a bit much. Kidding! To see what Kevin really looks like, you can see the pics on LA Daddy’s site. Love your card by the way! Nice job, Will.

I really should have taken notes because I talked with so many people whose blogs I now can't remember. I'd blame it on the alcohol but I didn't drink, dammit. Oh, I didn't even mention LA Mommy, although we're already friends so it almost doesn't count. Oh, and my new favorite blog name, Down With Pants.

We chatted about some fun ideas for blog posts, although I think I’m going to stay away from the fetish idea. I already get enough weird hits here.

That Funny Feeling Again

2007-05-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was still feeling a little run-down from being sick. I had no energy and just felt blah. One night, I realized it had been a while since I had my period. So I go take a pregnancy test...

Yep, you guessed it. And with the impeccable timing of hubby and I, we are due on Baby Girl's 2nd birthday - January 3rd. Poor BG. Not only does she have to share us but she'll have to share her birthday too.

Although I'm guessing this baby will come on New Year's Eve so we can enjoy the tender care of bitter nurses who'd rather be out having fun. Not fun. Unless, of course, we can get the free Pampers for having the first baby of the year.

You would think because I've done this all before that it would be a piece of cake but, in reality, I'm freaking out. Every ache and pain has become something to panic over. Take the fact that I just had the miscarriage, add to that the fact that the antibiotics the doctor gave me for my illness are completely unsafe during pregnancy and I'm a total mess.

I didn't even think about the antibiotics at the time because I was so sure I wasn't pregnant. Well, and I was pretty delirious too. But I had none of the same symptoms as I did with Baby Girl or the pregnancy that I miscarried a few months ago.

Friends have been surprised too. One friend said that she didn't even know we were trying. I was like, that's kind of a weird conversation to have. "Did you watch American Idol last night? The hubby and I are totally having sex so we can procreate!"

I'm half jokingly predicting a boy this time because it's so different. I've had some nausea but mostly weird cravings. Stuff I haven't eaten in years. Lots of meat, Rice A Roni, Spagetti-Os, etc.

I'd write more but I have a steaming bowl of Pork N Beans waiting for me and the zygote. Gotta go.

Mother's Day special video

2007-05-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't really posted yet about my comedy group. I was planning a post on that for next week but today Yahoo! picked one of our videos as a featured video for Mother's Day. It's something I wrote and directed called Fess Ups. And, really, it's a product every mother wishes she had at one point or another. Enjoy!

Assault and Pajama-ing

2007-05-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite memories from Dallas is the night M. and E. decided they wanted to help get Baby Girl ready for bed. They thought it would be fun and easy. Little did they know! It took about 10 minutes of all three of them giggling their heads off to get her dressed (and her thumbs free from the sleeves).

And all's well that ends well. Although it did take about an hour and a half and a walk around the neighborhood to get Baby Girl to actually fall asleep after all that stimulation!

Adventures in Dallas

2007-05-06T23:19:00.000-07:00

Baby Girl planning her takeover of the world, starting with Southfork.

Playtime at the park for the kids...and moms.

E. and Baby Girl - fast friends.

M. makes Baby Girl giggle with a little Pooh humor.

Baby Girl, M. and E. wishing we lived a little closer.

Hallucinating in Hollywood

2007-05-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

Scenes from A Clockwork Orange mingle with scenes from my childhood. Baby Girl's face floats in and out while random celebrities offer me bits of advice on bizarre subjects.

That pretty much describes the last week for me. I was sicker than I can remember ever being. Hallucinations, fever, agonizing wracking cough, and a throat so sore that it was actually bleeding.

I think my hallucinations may even have included me shooting JR, thanks to our Southfork visit. Yes, Baby Girl and I had a great time in Dallas, doing some touristy things and hanging with friends. I'll post some pictures in the next day or so.

Things started going downhill the last day of our trip. I woke up with a sore throat and a bit of a cold. That morning, a series of storms moved into Texas, including tornadoes all over the state. Flights were cancelled left and right. Baby Girl and I sat at the airport for 4 hours waiting for an available plane. Then, we sat for an hour on the runway, waiting for a flight plan that managed to avoid all 57 storms apparently raging.

Finally, we took off and spent 4 hours in the air, rather than the planned 3 hours, due to the storm avoiding. Picture 10 hours with an active toddler, by yourself, the last 5 in a tight enclosed location. Oh, boy, was it fun!

Actually, Baby Girl was amazingly well behaved. Especially considering we ran out of snacks and milk toward the end. The nice man behind us handed over his pretzels to keep us from potential meltdown.

Throughout the 10 hours, I started feeling worse and worse. When we landed, I actually made hubby drive me straight to the emergency room. However, being the weirdo that I am, decided that I was too sick to sit around in a hospital waiting for help.

Instead, I went home and suffered, until the lovely husband took the day off from work on Thursday and insisted that he take me to the doctor. A week of antibiotics later, I'm actually feeling human again.

My poor manager had to reschedule 7 pitch meetings. I was so delirious on Wednesday that I told her I thought I was good enough to go to a meeting. Thank god she didn't believe me, maybe it was the fact that I started speaking in tongues.

Not that meetings being rescheduled is a big deal. Some of the rescheduled meetings have already been re-rescheduled. Anyway, it's been a week of catching up and we have 3 more meetings tomorrow.

We're feeling good about the response we've been getting - not that anything means anything in Hollywood. At least we feel like we've been memorable. We'll see what happens.

And Today is Another Day

2007-04-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

I was driving Baby Girl to the pediatrician today to find out why she's still wheezing and coughing. It's a beautiful day so I roll down the window. My arm is on the window as BG and I sing along to the radio.

Suddenly, something hits my arm hard. It feels like someone just threw a rock at me. I look down at my arm...and sitting there? The biggest bird crap I have ever seen in my life!

Not to get too graphic, but, if you weren't paying attention, let me repeat - it was big enough and hard enough that I thought...a...rock...had..hit..my...arm.

Ugh.

What the hell was it? A roc? A pterodactyl?

That bird should see a specialist.

Seriously disgusting.

Thank god I was wearing a long-sleeve shirt. And that I had napkins in the car. But I still had to go to the pediatrician's office with a giant stain on my arm.

While we were there, they decided to give Baby Girl a breathing treatment to see if the wheezing was asthma. If it was, the treatment would help. If not, well, it wouldn't hurt. Apparently, that was a matter of opinion. Let me try to describe what this was like for you.

You know how, in movies, the villain would take a rag soaked in chloroform and hold it against someone's nose and mouth while they scream and try to yank his arm away.

Yep, that's what it was like, only with a really pissed off toddler.

I had to hold the mask against BG's face while she kicked and cried and screamed bloody murder. She didn't care about the cute little fishy face on the mask or my attempts at singing. She wanted that damn thing off and now!

It made me really sympathize with moms who have to give treatments all the time. I hope I never have to do that again.

After it, BG seemed better although I'm not sure if it was from the treatment or the snot being cleared out during the crying fit.

Luckily, she doesn't appear to have asthma. Now, we've got a supply of allergy/cold medicine to try. I'm just praying it doesn't make her totally hyper since we'll be boarding a plane to Dallas tomorrow.

Just her and I.

Three hours of fun in a tight, contained space.

Whoo-hoo!

Back on the Pitching Horse

2007-04-17T20:07:00.000-07:00

Had a pretty good day today. We had a pitch meeting at a studio this afternoon. It's a project we've been working on that we hope to sell without writing a script first.

For those of you who don't know what a pitch meeting is, basically, the writer or writers go in and outline the potential script to executives. Then, the execs decide if they want to pay you to write it.

Oh, but it's nowhere near as simple as reading an outline from a page. Boring! Executives expect writers to entertain them. I mean, if you can't hold their interest for 10 minutes, how the hell can you entertain a movie audience for 90-120 minutes?

So, since we write comedy, we're expected to actually be funny in the room. And that's the killer. While we write funny, we're not stand up comics, so if we try to tell jokes, we look like morons.

Our strategy is to pretend we're telling a friend about a hilarious movie we just saw. That seems to work pretty well for us.

This pitch was one of our better ones. The exec laughed in all the right places, asked some great questions which we luckily had answers to, compared it to some really successful recent movies, and seemed very interested.

Unfortunately, that could all mean squat. We've had the same reaction before but no checks written.

Still, it felt really good to get out there with something new. It's been a while since we've thrown some ideas out into the ether.

In a celebratory mood, the fam went out for Thai food in Thai Town, which is one of our favorite places. We had Pad Thai and pineapple fried rice and green papaya salad and left with take-out Rad Na and sticky rice with mango. Yum!

On the way home, Baby Girl was signing and saying Daddy. I said, "How about saying mommy," showing her the sign for mommy. She looked at me, signed and said, "dog," and laughed.

I said, "No, no, mommy," making the sign again. So she immediately signs and says, "dog."

Great. My kid thinks I'm a dog. I have no idea why...

I think I'm quite attractive. But, you know, there's nothing like a baby to make you realize what's truly important in life.

Getting her to say mommy! I'm mommy, not doggie! Mommmm-meeeee!

Obligatory Cuteness...

2007-04-13T21:57:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling a bit lazy tonight and it's been a while since I posted any photos, so voila: a photo-post.

Although she kept trying to eat the paintbrush and more paint ended up in her hair than on the canvas, Baby Girl had a lot of fun in her first attempt at creating art.

Ready for the hoe-down in our lovely white-trash backyard, hopefully soon to be upgraded!

Just chilling on the neighbor's lawn.

She seems to like sleeping like this, crazy kid. We have to check on her every night and tuck her appendages back in the crib. All hands and arms must remain inside the vehicle at all times!

The Cavalry Has Arrived!

2007-04-12T22:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I finally got myself another babysitter. My next-door neighbor, who helped me find our previous babysitter, found me someone new to help (making her an official nanny pimp TM Rebecca).

The lovely Iris started this week. Baby Girl's not completely thrilled yet. After all, she had mommy all to herself for the last 5 weeks. Today, when I got home from a doctor's appointment, Iris had BG in her arms and they were having a delightful conversation.

BG spotted me and immediately put out her arms to me. I gave her a hug, then she turned to Iris and waved bye-bye. Iris and I laughed as BG continued to wave goodbye to her, finally resorting to pointing at the door, just in case Iris didn't remember where it was.

Still, I think she really likes her and it won't be long before she's happy to see her, because it means someone who's willing to play outside with her all day.

As for me, I feel a little guilty about how excited I am to have found someone. But, while I love Baby Girl to distraction, she's not exactly the independent type. No such thing as playing quietly while mommy works...or eats...or goes to the bathroom. Um, TMI?

I had big plans for this week, including blogging every day, but I was a little too ambitious. I did manage to get to the gym every day, go to the doctor and the dentist, finish an outline for one script that my writing partner and I are supposed to pitch next week, get through the 2nd Act of a script I'm attempting to write alone, and take a shower by myself!

I'm feeling much better this week and I certainly smell a lot better. Let's hope the babysitter curse has been lifted.

Wishing I Was Pregnant

2007-04-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't really posted about this because I wasn't sure how to get started. It's still a little weird for me to put certain things out here but it seems like that's how you find people who understand what you're going through.

We are trying for a second baby right now. I've always wanted to have my kids be close in age and to get through the diaper phase for all the kids as quickly as possible. We would have started trying earlier but I had to wait until after my surgery, which finally happened in late December.

I was really excited in February when I started having those familiar pregnancy signs - falling asleep on the couch every night, having no appetite, feeling weepy. Then my period was late. Whoo hoo! Big belly, here we come!

I took a pregnancy test and it had a really faint positive line but wasn't conclusive - exactly the same as when I was pregnant with Baby Girl. A few days later, I took another test and this time it was negative. I was really surprised and then I got my period a day later.

Total bummer. I started thinking about how things change so much in your life. When you're younger and praying that you're NOT pregnant, you're so relieved when you get your period or that test is negative. Now, it's the total opposite - so disappointing when it doesn't happen.

We decided to use an ovulation tracking kit to maximize our chances in March. Only I didn't ovulate. I ended up going to the doctor for some tests and it seems that I had an early miscarriage.

Apparently, 30 percent of women have experienced an early miscarriage, before most even knew they were pregnant. Since I've been pregnant before, I just happened to know the signs intimately.

I'm not really that sad about the miscarriage. I know it means that it wasn't a viable pregnancy and actually consider myself lucky that it occurred so early.

What I'm most disappointed about is that I probably won't ovulate for a few months now. It's kind of silly because I know that a lot of women would kill to be able to get pregnant at all and all this means is that our plans are going to be postponed for a little bit.

I was just really excited about having another baby before the end of the year and about being pregnant at the same time as friends.

And, dammit, I really wanted another one of these!

The family that laughs together...

2007-03-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by anything being searched for on the internet but an extraordinary amount of people have come to my blog looking for ways to humiliate their husband. I feel bad because, although I did post about humiliating my husband last July, there's just not really that many opportunities to make your husband participate in an Independence Day parade with a decorated stroller. And I have a feeling that's not what these ladies are looking for.

Truth is, I actually like my husband. I may joke that I married him for the health insurance, but really, I married him because I knew this was a guy I'd never get tired of hanging out with. How can you go wrong with someone who makes you laugh that hard?

We actually met at an audition for a comedy sketch/improv group. I saw this cute guy and thought, "Man, I hope he's funny." He was and the rest is history.

However, there is one thing that he's lacking and it has to do with his upbringing. You see, my husband grew up in rural North Dakota. You can imagine that, out in the middle of nowhere, you might be lacking a few things. So sometimes when people make jokes about certain things, hubby has no idea what they're talking about.

Namely? Sigmund the Sea Monster, HR Puff-N-Stuff, Schoolhouse Rock, Laff-A-Lympics, need I go on? That's right, horror of horrors, he was deprived of ABC growing up. And yet somehow, we manage to stay together.

So, as you can see, I really don't have any advice about ways to humiliate your husband. I mean, unless you can make him:
- wear a red wig and a little blue dress and talk in a French accent like Madeline
- do his impression of the Coppertone girl (this one I can't describe but I'm laughing just thinking about it)
- wear a shirt that you bought that says, "I wish I were a man so I could join the Navy"
- watch America's Next Top Model
- scream like a 12-year-old girl as he comes down a waterslide

OK, yes, I have done all of the above, but it was all in good fun and my hubby was happy to do it for the reward of me laughing until I cried. I suppose the humiliating part is me posting it for the world to see. Love ya, honey!

My Plans, My Beautiful Plans

2007-03-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

Last week was my first week not working full time. Oh, the plans I had! I was finally going to catch up on my writing, do some fun things I'd been putting off, and even, believe it or not, clean the house.

Because, thanks to our scrimping and saving while I was working, we are still going to be able to keep our nanny. Although, for some reason, saying I have a nanny makes me feel so guilty. Like people are going to think I spend my useless days getting mani-pedis, shopping, and lunching with "the girls."

I really have to learn to stop caring what anyone thinks, but, until then, we'll just call her a babysitter.

Anyway, I was so excited on Sunday night, looking at my To Do list for the week. Then, I got the call. The babysitter had a family emergency and had to leave town for at least one week, maybe two.

Noooooo!

Now, don't get me wrong. I was also looking forward to once again being able to take Baby Girl to the park and storytime at the library and music class at the Y. I was picturing all the fun stuff we'd do. Then, when she got tired and cranky, I'd hand her off to the babysitter, smile and wave goodbye.

Oh, ha ha ha, my sides. That'll teach me to make selfish plans.

Now, I'm sitting here on Sunday night just dreaming of being able to shower in peace or check email without someone trying to climb up my leg to bang on the keyboard.

Baby Girl has never been one to play independently. She's really easy going and happy as long as she has your FULL attention. And she knows when you have one eye on her and the other on something else.

So, I will spend the next week as I spent the last. Throwing out the To Do list, learning patience and doing a lot of tummy kissing.

Exhaustion, Thy Name is Mother

2007-03-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

I drove down to Orange County yesterday to help a friend out. She needed someone to babysit for her and, now that I'm not working, I was more than happy to help. Baby Girl and I hopped in the car and headed down.

When we got there, Baby Girl was thrilled with the huge selection of new toys, while my friend's daughter was less than happy with the prospect of being left with me. After she calmed down, we played games, sang songs over and over and ran around the house for hours...

What? I've only been here 30 minutes? Holy crap! I was totally wiped out and still had 2 hours to go. I started seriously reconsidering the plan for a second baby.

Thank god Baby Girl can't say, "Again!" My throat still hurts today from all that singing!

I think nature gives us a break by having babies develop slowly, so you can ease into the activity level little by little. Because just jumping into toddler level activity is pretty frightening.

Needless to say, I never thought driving home in rush hour traffic would seem relaxing.

Although I have to admit, it was pretty cool to have such an appreciative audience. There are a lot worse ways to spend an afternoon than listening to two little girls giggling at your every move.

I'm starting to think I should start my own series of DVDs - Comedy for Kids. I'll have stuffed animals on screen that make fart noises. Genius!

So long, suckers!

2007-03-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

You're finally quitting your job. Imagine your last week. Taking it easy, going out to lunch, packing up your desk, maybe wrapping up a couple of projects?

Nope.

My last week was hell on earth. Silly me. I thought it would be cake. After all, I quit, right? Shouldn't that mean I don't have to care anymore?

So why am I screaming in my car at 5:30 on Thursday, desperate to get through rush hour traffic to the one FedEx location that accepts packages until 6? Damn my work ethic, damn it all to hell!

Although, it did make it extremely, painfully clear that I was making the right decision. You see, I was hired as a senior executive. I was going to be making important strategic decisions that helped plan the company direction.

HAHHAHAH! Oh, it would be funny if it weren't so painful.

Instead, I ended up making copies and ordering t-shirts. Really exciting. Really fulfilling. Really glad I took that pay cut for this opportunity.

Ok, so yes, I'm still a little bitter. But life really is too short to be miserable. And it's way too short to have to work with people who have no respect or trust for their co-workers.

I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this anymore! Sorry, went a little Network there for a second.

The great thing is that now that I've been both a stay at home mom, a work at home mom and a working mom, I am eminently qualified to tell you how you should live your life. Stay tuned!

They're baaack!

2007-03-04T11:09:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's true. I've finally returned. So many of you have asked me what was happening that I decided it was time to get back to writing. Well, ok, maybe only one or two people asked, but that was certainly enough for me!

I can't believe my last post was 6 months ago. At first, I thought I would just take a month off to shake the sickos surfing for p.o.r.n. Then, I took a full time job. Between that, writing, making short films, baby wrangling, and living life, I never seemed to have time to blog.

And to tell the truth, I didn't miss the pressure. See, I started the blog as a lazy way to update friends and family about Baby Girl. I was surprised when people I didn't know personally started dropping in, reading the blog and posting comments.

Suddenly, I felt like I had better be entertaining and started second-guessing my posts. Were they funny enough? Did they have enough punch? Posts started taking longer because I couldn't stop editing them.

So, I gave up. And the job became extremely time consuming and stressful, so everything else fell by the wayside. But now I've been inspired by a few friends' new blogs (www.ladaddy.com and www.lamommy.com) and am back in the game!

There's so many updates that I'll try to summarize quickly here and maybe expand on some in other posts:

I took a full time job at the end of October (at a film company that shall remain nameless)
The hubby and I ran the Honolulu Marathon in early December
Baby Girl took her first steps during the holidays
I had surgery at the end of December (thanks marathon!)
Baby Girl turned one in January
We all went to the Sundance Film Festival
I quit my nameless job and my last full time day is March 9 (YAY!)
We made 4 more short films, which will be available online soon

I'm sure there's a lot more that happened in the last 6 months, but that's plenty for now. One thing that hasn't happened yet? Baby Girl sleeping through the night. Yes, I'm one of those lucky parents!

I'll leave with one of my favorite recent photos of Baby Girl - if you look closely, she's...um...indicating that yes indeed, she is now one year old!

Brangelina stole my baby!

2006-09-16T23:48:00.000-07:00

Here's baby Shiloh Jolie Pitt...

Here's Baby Girl...

This must mean I look like Angelina Jolie, right? Ahah-hahah-ha...wait, that's not that funny. Sigh.

Damn you Google, damn you to hell!

2006-09-14T23:19:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last two months in a futile fight with Google bots. Trying to keep their creeping bot fingers out of my blog.

You know, at first it was kind of amusing that hundreds of people were finding my blog by searching for pictures of b00bs. Then it got annoying. So I removed the offending picture.

Nothing. Nope, Google, in its infinite wisdom, keeps it cached. So people still see the picture (which, mind you, isn't even hosted on my site!). Next, I removed the entire post.

Still nothing. Oh, and Google refuses to remove the picture unless you can show it leads to a "true 404 error." Yeah, cus I'm a computer programmer.

Then, someone found my blog by searching for the phrase "baby p0rn." And that's when I got really pissed.

I figured I'd just wait it out. I mean, eventually Google would figure it out and remove the picture. Right? Right?

Yep, you got it. Two months later, I'm still waiting. I finally have caved in. The bastards have won. I couldn't hold out anymore.

Thanks to everyone who asked if we were OK. A quick update - the family is fine, Baby Girl is crawling and obsessed with trying to walk, marathon training is painful but good.

I plan to post more over the weekend so stay tuned! Unless you're just looking for p0rn star b00bs, then get lost!!

*Henceforth, I will be using the lovely zero "0" instead of the letter "o" for fun words like h00-ha. Hopefully, that will cut down on the riff-raff.

Unselfish Thyself

2006-07-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

Now that Baby Girl is six months old, I've finally moved beyond the "dear god, please just let me keep this tiny creature alive" stage to the "ohmigod, I am totally responsible for making this person a decent human being" stage.

I've been thinking a lot lately about this awesome responsibility. I am actually going to be Baby Girl's moral compass. If I'd ever thought that anyone would be looking to me for moral guidance, I might have done a few things differently in my misspent youth.

I've been carefully reviewing my list of things that I need to teach Baby Girl. I think we all want our children to learn to share, to be patient, to be kind, to help others.

But have I been practicing what I plan to preach? I thought about that as I sighed about the long line at the grocery store, mumbled under my breath about the people taking too long to cross the street, cursed the driver who cut in front of me to save himself 30 seconds...

Shit. I'm a terrible role model.

So I signed up to run the Honolulu Marathon.

Wait...wha?

Ok, I didn't just sign up to run the marathon. The whole family signed up to train as part of the National AIDS Marathon Program. That's right, even Baby Girl is working it in her jogging stroller to raise money for people living with HIV/AIDS.

Have I ever run a marathon before? Nope. Have I even run more than 3 miles at one time? Nope. Have I lost my mind? Possibly.

But did you know that more than one million Americans, and 40 million others around the world, are living with HIV -- the virus that causes AIDS? With more than 20 million deaths so far, AIDS is now the leading cause of death among all people aged 15 to 59 worldwide. That's pretty shocking.

Even though we'll be getting up at the butt crack of dawn, punishing our bodies for several hours and dealing with aches and pains, it will be worth it because we won't be doing this just for ourselves.

We'll be working together with our fellow runners to raise money for the fight to end AIDS.

Because Baby Girl deserves to grow up in a world that is free of HIV/AIDS. Because we want her to learn that helping others is the right thing to do. And because we can't imagine losing her and want to make sure that no parent ever has to experience that pain again.

So I've decided to take off the secret blogger veil in hopes of raising more money for AIDS Project Los Angeles. Now you can put a face to all those embarrassing stories...about my husband.

If you want to help us (and discover my top secret true identity ;-), visit here.

Bye Bye Boob Hits

2006-07-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

I finally figured out why I'm getting hundreds and hundreds of hits every day from around the globe. Somehow Google has decided to feature a photo I used back in February when I was talking about breastfeeding. Yes, folks, when you search Google Images for "porn star boobs," the first site you get is my baby blog.

Is it sad to admit that I enjoyed seeing the huge hits on my counter for a few days?

But cooler heads prevailed and I decided that people looking for porn star boobs probably don't want to see photos of my baby and I don't think I want them to. So today, I removed the photo.

Adios Mexico! Ciao Italy! So long Sweden! Latvia, I barely knew ya!

I said babies, not boobies!

2006-07-11T14:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, seriously, people, this blog is about babies and occasionally screenwriting. It's not about jugs, knockers, big bouncing big ones (kind of redundant, don't you think?) and other various boob-related terms that everyone in the past two days who has found my site was searching for.

And now, I have just perpetuated this problem by typing in a bunch of titty euphemisms. Great. I guess I can't talk about my humungous breastfeeding cans any more.

I'm not sure what has happened recently, but apparently, the entire world has decided they really, really need to see some breasts. I'll just tell you right up front - you ain't gonna want to see mine. Thanks to breastfeeding, my boobs are ready for a centerfold...in National Geographic.

So welcome Morocco, Yugoslavia, France, Germany and Spain, hope you enjoy reading about babies...

And just to torture you further...babaloos, baby pillows, bazooms, bikini stuffers, chi-chis, coconuts, dairies, female frontal flesh fins, fun bags, gazongas, golden globes, headlights, honkers, jubblies, jugs, knockers, lung warts, maguppies, mammaries, milk shakes, nunga-nungas, pink nosed puppies, rack, sweater bunnies, tatas, torso testicles, the twins, udders, warheads, yabbos, zeppelins...

How to Humiliate a Husband

2006-07-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

First off, I should say that I am extremely lucky. My husband is a great guy - he cooks, he cleans and he is a fabulous father to Baby Girl. He brings home the bacon and fries it up in the pan. But that's not why I married him. Nope, I married him for his sense of humor...that, and the health insurance.

He's always willing to make an ass out of himself for me and that's one of his most endearing qualities. And it's one that I exploit constantly.

One of the things on our agenda last weekend, along with several BBQs and hanging with Dustin Hoffman, was a neighborhood block party. We were heading out when I remembered that there was a stroller decorating contest with prizes.

Now, there are two things that turn me into a overly giddy 12-year-old -- free food and potential prizes. Free food is so awesome! When I was acting, I would even get excited about doing extra work because of craft service. I would happily PA on friend's films just for the donuts and Rice Krispie treats.

And prizes! Don't even get me started on those. I don't care if it's a pack of gum - I am competing, dammit!

Obviously, there was no way I was going to the block party without decorating Baby Girl's stroller. The hubby and I quickly consulted our prop room in the garage (for sketch/improv comedy, get your minds out of the gutter!). We chose sports jerseys from Finland, Portugal and Jamaica, a referee shirt, a giant green sombrero, a beret, and a Mardi Gras mask and beads.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the World Cup!

Nothing like a little stereotyping to get you in the mood to celebrate America's independence.

With Baby Girl ready for primetime, we headed to the block party. As I placed our homemade brownies (we were assigned to bring dessert by virtue of the first letter of our last name) on the food table, I perused the other offerings.

Now, when I hear potluck, I think homemade casseroles, spinach dip, cookies, etc. As giddy as any type of free food makes me, I'm not sure I count a bag of Pirate's Booty as an appetizer or...hey, cupcakes! Mmmm.

Happy again, I take a look around to judge the competition. Only 3 or 4 other parents bothered to decorate their strollers. And all of them went with boring patriotic themes - red, white and blue and flags. Booo-rrring! We so have this in the bag with our creative interpretation.

And here's our big moment - they announce the competition is beginning...with a parade. Would everyone who decorated their stroller line up for the patriotic themed decorating contest?

Oh shit. Um, I guess I should have read the invite more closely. The hubby looks at me, ready to pack it in. I shake my head. No, you don't! You get out there and parade with your bad self. He hesitates for just a moment, then grabs a couple of plastic red/white/blue top hats, slaps the beret on his head and joins the parade.

I nearly pee myself laughing as he makes the rounds with the other strollers. After, we head back for consolation cupcakes. I overhear the judges conferring about the prize awarding and the head judge actually says, "I think we should give it to that...um...them... for...uh...creativity."

That's right, instead of one of those life lessons about following directions and paying attention, blah, blah, blah, we take third prize! I am beside myself with glee over our $15 gift certificate.

As you can see, Baby Girl is as thrilled as I am with the whole thing. I guess I've still got some time to instill that killer instinct. And, more importantly, the overwhelming love of free cupcakes.

July Fourth with the Rich and Famous

2006-07-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

We spent our Fourth hanging out with friends on Zuma Beach, just south of Broad Beach - the famous Malibu enclave of Steven Spielberg, Robert Redford and Mel Gibson. We love surfing at Zuma and we'd heard that the afore-mentioned celebs (or some other rich resident, who knows?) had arranged for their very own fireworks display on an off-shore barge.

Sand, surf, dolphins and free fireworks? It doesn't get much better than this. And we had our very own celebrity sighting -- Dustin Hoffman -- shuffling his way through the aisles of the local grocery. While we ordered sandwiches, he paused to peruse the male products section. We speculated wildly on his potential purchase - Shaving cream? Just For Men? Condoms? I made the hubby do the recon mission to see what he was buying. Turns out Dustin Hoffman uses Brylcream.

Now I realize we're pretty lame for actually following a celebrity through a grocery store to monitor his purchases but, hey, Defamer needs a full report.

Even though I've lived in Southern California for nearly my whole life, it's always jarring to me to see a celebrity doing something so mundane. Yes, I realize that there's columns devoted to "Stars - They're just like us!" but those are still professional pictures in glossy magazines. It's somehow different to see Dustin Hoffman in person pushing a grocery cart and checking out the $20 special on BBQ sets.

Anyway, the Brylcream brought back memories of my dad, who passed away in 1992. When we were little, he used to let us play barbershop with him. By this point, my dad was already pretty bald - he was 45 when I was born. But he was game. We'd brush his hair, lather on the Brylcream and charge him a quarter. I still remember that Brylcream smell.

Yep, my dad and Dustin Hoffman, they're exactly alike. Stars -- they're just like us!

Anyway, throughout the day - we surfed a little, we ate crappy hot dogs from the snack bar while Baby Girl ate sand, we hung out with our fabulous friends that we don't see enough of, the Zuma dolphins made their appearance, and we saw an amazing fireworks display.

All in all, our Fourth was pretty darn awesome and actually made me appreciate living in L.A. for a change. And, somewhere, my dad was watching the whole thing and smelling like Brylcream.

*Oh, and it took me a day and a half to get these photos to upload. Sheesh!

Who me? Writing?

2006-06-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

OK, I haven't talked about writing in a while. Mainly because there hasn't been any. The only writing I'm doing these days is this blog and even that has been really sporadic. I don't have writer's block - it's more like writer's too damn tired to care block.

I really have to give it up for the moms who work, especially ones who work from home! I don't know how you do it. I'm exhausted all the time and I have the luxury of not doing anything if I don't feel like it. Well, anything but taking care of Baby Girl, of course.

Anyway, back to the writing. Nothing much has been going on for the writing partner and me lately. We've been talking about starting a new spec screenplay rather than wait around for a pitch or writing assignment but we're not that motivated right now.

Although it looks like we may have another pitch meeting coming up soon. The Fabulous Manager called the other day. (OK, yes, she reads this blog and it doesn't hurt to suck up, but she really is fabulous.) This was our conversation.

FM: So, remember that idea you had last year - X?

Me: Um, yeah. (vaguely)

FM: Do you think you could pitch that?

Me: Sure. (I always say yes. It must stem from my acting days where you always tell the producer yes when they ask if you have a specific skill. The idea being that, if you get the job, you can always learn to shoot a bow and arrow, skin a goat, hang-glide, etc. Bruce Campbell has a hilarious story about lying about his horseback riding abilities for Brisco County, Jr. in If Chins Could Kill . I highly recommend it. But I digress.)

FM: Did you guys do a treatment on that?

Me: I don't think so.

FM: I seem to remember seeing one.

Me: Really? (check the computer) Ohmigod. We did. I don't even remember that.

FM: That's why I'm so fabulous.

Ok, that last sentence may not have happened the way I remember it. But I do find it sad that I can't even remember half of the ideas, pitches, treatments, etc. we've done over the last three years.

It's probably a form of self-preservation. Who wants to remember all the work that you've done that didn't sell?

Sometimes, I think it gets harder and harder to be motivated the closer that you get to success. When you're writing screenplays and no one's reading them, you can tell yourself that if only someone would read your stuff, you'd be the next Charlie Kaufman.

But when you've got representation and people are reading your screenplays and you're having meetings...and you still can't sell anything?

Then you know it's you.

Right on Target

2006-06-19T22:38:00.000-07:00

No, this post isn't about Baby Girl hitting some kind of milestone. I've realized that I don't really care to keep track of when she's "supposed" to do something. I figure my pediatrician will tell me if there's anything wrong so I'll let her worry about that stuff. I'm just going to concentrate on making sure Baby Girl is having fun.

What this post is about is Target - the store. I never knew that Target had a photo studio. Now I do and I love it! No sitting fees at all and their online coupons usually offer $4.95 8x10s.

The girl at the studio nearest us is really great. She's gotten the most amazing expressions from Baby Girl. But you don't just have to take my word for it.

Here are some of the recent pictures we had taken.

Now, if only someone from Target would read this and send me some free 8x10 coupons...

Defending Britney Spears

2006-06-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

Let me first say that I never thought I'd be defending Britney Spears of all people. I'm not a fan of her music and certainly not a fan of her acting. But I'm getting really tired of all of this coverage of what a terrible mother she is.

Now, I have no idea how good a mother Britney Spears is. After all, I don't know the woman. What I do know though, is that if someone was following me around with a camera 24-7, I'd look like a pretty terrible mother too.

Like, when I left Baby Girl alone on the futon for just a minute and she decided to roll over for the first time. Or when I bonked her head on the porch column when I was raising her over my head.

Or maybe these times...

That last picture is just after Baby Girl tumbled face first off our surfboard onto the wet sand. OK, it's not like I've driven with her in my lap or had child protective services called on me. But Sean Preston is a little older than Baby Girl so there's still time.

I'M KIDDING!

My point is that accidents happen to everyone and Britney's a new mom and, just like the rest of us, she's trying to do the best she can.

So can everyone please leave the poor girl alone?

It's ALIVE!

2006-06-04T22:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still here, but between connection problems, laptop difficulties, writing duties, making a couple of short films and having a baby who doesn't want to be set down, I've been a little overwhelmed.

However, apparently some people do read this blog and want me to continue my boring ramblings. Or they're just being polite. Either way, I'm pretending they're huge fans. I'm going to try blogging once a week and hopefully will be able to keep up that blistering pace.

Baby Girl is 5 months old now and we're still not getting much sleep around here. I've found that there's a Murphy's Law of baby sleeping - on nights that you have insomnia, she'll sleep for 5 hours. Seriously, who the hell gets insomnia when they've gotten an average of 4 hours of sleep a night?

Parenting books tell you that babies start sleeping through the night at 4 months. Well, Baby Girl apparently can't read because she still wakes throughout the night and rarely naps. We keep telling ourselves it's because of her superior intelligence. Hey, whatever gets you through the night, right?

Four months old!

2006-05-01T18:38:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that Baby Girl is already 4 months old. Technically she was 16 weeks last week, but tomorrow will be "4 months" since her birth.

I was checking her development against "the books" and was worried about her not using her hands much. And, I swear, the next day, at exactly 16 weeks, she started reaching out for toys, pushing herself up when she's on her stomach and doing all those things she was supposed to.

I guess she's already working on her comedy timing. And her mom torturing techniques. That should teach me not to compare her to what she's supposed to be doing.

In other news, her height is currently off the charts. She's grown six inches since birth, meaning she's growing at a rate of 1 1/2 inches a month. If this keeps up, she'll be 10 feet tall at age 12.

I can't wait to relive my teen years... How's the weather up there? You must play basketball. Wow, you're huge. Ugh.

Anyway, we learned this at her four month check up today at the pediatrician which meant more tears...from me.

Damn, I hate those immunizations! She was a real trooper this time though. She only cried for a couple of minutes. Much less than I did.

A friend told me that it gets easier to hear them cry and it doesn't affect you as much anymore.

I hope that's not true.

I think my heart should break a little every time she cries. When she falls and skins her knee, when someone says something mean to her, when she has her first unrequited crush on a boy. I should feel horrible and sad.

Of course, I'm not saying I'm going to cry. Nope. I'm going to pick her up, dust her off, tell her they don't know what they're talking about, let her know that she's too special not to find someone who loves her as much as she's worth.

But inside my heart will break for her. Because it should.

That's my job. I'm her mom.

My laptop's back...

2006-04-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

and you're gonna get in trouble. Hey-la, hey-la. My laptop's back. I have about four ideas for posts and I'm going to try to get them all written and up quickly. In the meantime, Baby Girl's mood today is...

Der laptop ist kaput!

2006-04-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

Typing this title made me think about our efforts to teach Baby Girl foreign languages. See, I watch too much Discovery and TLC. I saw a program that talked about how kids learn foreign language patterns when they're infants and that makes it much easier for them to learn those languages later.

So I trotted out my trusty Spanish and the hubby dusted off his rusty German. We also read to her a little in French.

Sounds good, right?

Only I'm worried that Baby Girl is learning to speak French like Pepe Le Pew and German like Colonel Klink. Our accents might be a little over the top and some day my child may get her ass kicked in France.

Anyway, my poor laptop has finally given up. It's been acting up recently - basically shutting down randomly while I'm in the middle of typing. Like it's not hard enough for me to get anything done.

And today, it just died. Luckily, I had already sent the latest version of the screenplay we're revising to the writing partner. Otherwise, it would have been locked up tight inside the frozen box.

The hubby is taking it to a place tomorrow to get fixed and hopefully, I'll be back up and running quickly. Although I realized that, without my laptop, I got a lot more done today. Oh, not work-wise, but stuff around the house.

I apparently spend a lot of time reading blogs while Baby Girl naps. Ahem.

How does Baby Girl feel about the laptop situation?

Desperate for entertainment?

2006-04-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

It seems like movie theaters across the U.S. are catching on to the "Mommy Movie" idea. This is where moms, dads, nannies, whatever can come on a weekday morning and watch a movie with other babies. Park the stroller outside, you can nurse, and no one complains about your baby crying.

Sounds like a great idea, right? Either that or your worst nightmare.

Anyway, I've been dying to go see a movie with Baby Girl for the last two months. Why haven't I gone? Well, let's review my recent choices of movies to watch with my baby.

Lucky Number Slevin, Find Me Guilty, or Basic Instinct 2.

Are you serious? Am I supposed to feel OK taking Baby Girl to see Basic Instinct 2? And I'm not even talking about the sexual content.

I'm more worried that she'll think this is supposed to be a good movie. What if seeing this dreck ruins her creative abilities for all time?

But seriously, do movie theaters just pick the worst piece of crap that's out that week and assume parents are so desperate that we'll see anything? It's already 10 a.m. on a Monday morning, dammit, at least show me a good movie.

Things I have learned since having a baby...

2006-04-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

Your baby will always be dressed better than you.

Getting eight hours of sleep is easy...just not all at one time.

Everything that you laugh at will come back to haunt you.

You can do almost anything one-handed.

Farts are funny.

Happy Spring!

2006-04-19T00:06:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...wonder if Leno is hiring?

2006-04-17T15:58:00.000-07:00

You Should Be a Joke Writer

You're totally hilarious, and you can find the humor in any situation.

Whether you're spouting off zingers, comebacks, or jokes about life...

You usually can keep a crowd laughing, and you have plenty of material.

You have the makings of a great comedian - or comedic writer.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Spin This!

2006-04-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

Wow, two posts in two days - a new record. Things are looking up today because Baby Girl actually slept a bit last night. Whoo-hoo!

We moved her bedtime later to 10 p.m. She didn't wake up until 2:30, then again at 5 and at 6:30, when the hubby got up and gave her a bottle.

I should clarify for the poor hubby that he's been offering to help. But since he works during the day and I'm at home, I thought it would be better for him to sleep. Last night, I finally caved and took him up on it.

I had enough energy today to try out spinning at the gym. Boy, was that dumb! It was the first time that I was actually hoping the childcare people would come to get me because Baby Girl was crying. That's how painful it was.

Places that I didn't even know could were sweating. I think I lost a gallon. But I feel great now though so I'll probably be stupid enough to keep taking it.

I'm still here but my brain is gone

2006-04-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

In the last post, I talked about how I didn't mind getting woken up every 2 hours to feed Baby Girl at night. Well, it's now been going on for two weeks straight and while I still don't mind, my mind minds because it's been turned to mush.

I'm still managing to function...barely. Of course, that functioning doesn't include blog entries since those are purely fun, and my functioning doesn't include fun.

How stupid am I these days? Yesterday, someone asked my name...and I had to think about it for a minute. What the hell is my name?

I'm a little worried that if it keeps up, I'm going to put Baby Girl in the washing machine and breastfeed the socks or something equally dumb.

Oh, and that whole "sleep when they sleep" thing? Sounds good in theory, not so much in practice. I guess it would be helpful if Baby Girl would actually nap. If I'm lucky, she'll sleep for 30-45 minutes around noon which doesn't give me enough time to even fall asleep, then finally a 2 hour nap at 4 or 5 p.m. But by that time, I'm so wired that there's no way I'm sleeping.

I'm still determined to cherish these moments, but I'm wondering if I'm killing so many brain cells that I won't remember these moments. Although something like this makes it all worth it...

Another milestone!

2006-04-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

Baby Girl is 3 months old today. Well, if you count months anyway. Technically she's 13 weeks. But either way, she's reached one of the biggest milestones - the one I've been counting the days toward.

She's old enough for the childcare at the YMCA.

Whoo-hoo! I'm actually able to work out in the middle of the day - getting a break after a morning of baby-tainment and re-energizing for the afternoon. The childcare people there are amazing. Hell, I'm wondering if they're better at taking care of her than I am.

The other day I left her and had to check what room the class I was taking was in that day (so they can come get you for crying or a diaper change). When I got back, they were playing with her and she was laughing her head off. She loves the place and they love her.

Other than that huge milestone, all the baby books I've read say that she should be starting to hold her head up (check), babbling and cooing (check), playing with her hands (check), and sleeping for 6-8 hours at night (HAHAHAHAHA!). Um, OK, so maybe she's not quite doing that last one.

Baby Girl goes to bed around 10, then wakes up at midnight, then 2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate? Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY!

I know there's books that tell me I should let her cry for a period of time or give her a pacifier instead. But seriously? It takes me about 30 minutes to keep putting a pacifier in her mouth to get her back to sleep. Nursing takes 10 minutes.

Hmmm, I'm exhausted and I can choose to go back to sleep in 10 minutes or 30 minutes. Which do I pick?

It's funny, even though I am a little tired, I really don't mind. I know that in a few years, she won't need me at all at night. And in about 13 years, she won't even want to be on the same planet as me.

So I've decided to just stop worrying about it and just enjoy it. After all, she won't be waking me up to breastfeed when she's 10. Right? RIGHT?!

Photo Essay: Bipolar Baby

2006-03-28T16:13:00.000-08:00

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

2006-03-23T12:20:00.000-08:00

I've been a little slow with posting lately because I've actually been writing. I know, I know, who could believe it? So, what have I been up to?

Well, I mentioned our sitcom earlier this month. We finally finished the rewrite of the outline incorporating our first set of notes and it's much, much better. We're really happy with it. Now, we just wait to see what the production company thinks.

It'll probably go something like this. "We like it, we just have some minor notes." Three more weeks of rewriting. "Much better, just a few more minor notes." Three more weeks of rewriting. "Perfect, let's get the pilot written." Three weeks of writing. "We like it, we just have some minor notes." Rinse, repeat.

All this to find out the network doesn't like it or they like it, only they've decided to fire us and bring on a new showrunner. Eh, that's Hollywood.

In the meantime, we also finished an outline for our new feature that we're set to start pitching later this month or next. We're really happy with it as well. At least until we get notes back from our manager.

Then, we suddenly realize what crappy writers we are.

Actually, our rep's notes are always really valid - we just don't want to hear them at first. When you turn something in, you always want to hear that it's brilliant and perfect and you're incredibly funny. So notes tend to be disheartening.

It takes a day or two to let them sink in before you realize that they're pretty right on. Even if we don't agree with the individual note, it tends to point out something that's lacking somewhere in the work that, once fixed, makes everyone happy.

So we sit and wait for the latest feedback.

This time I'm sure it'll be that the outline is brilliant and perfect and we're incredibly funny....

Comments

2006-03-21T12:50:00.000-08:00

Since I still know nothing about blogs, it was pointed out to me that I had restricted comments on here. I've now changed the setting, so everyone can comment. Sorry about that, but I'm still learning. Now I expect every one of you who visits to leave a comment ;-)!

I Know Nothing

2006-03-17T13:35:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that my posts tend to be very short compared to ones on other blogs. I guess it comes from my background in sketch comedy. There's never been a sketch that couldn't be funnier if it were shorter - see Saturday Night Live for proof.

But I think this post is going to end up a lot longer becuase it's about what I've learned that I don't know. And that could fill a book.

It's funny that having a baby will make you realize you are sorely lacking in several categories. And I'm not talking about the "Oh, my baby has helped me see the magic in everyday things" variety.

As amazing and smart as I'm sure Baby Girl is, she isn't exactly stopping to appreciate the beauty around her yet. Nope, at this age, the only thing Baby Girl seems to "appreciate the beauty" in are our curtains and the discovery that those hands are attached to her and can almost fit totally in her mouth.

And the only thing that has taught me is that our curtains really need to be washed and that I hope the saying "cold hands, warm heart" is true because having those freezing cold, wet, clammy hands clutching at my boobs is not that fun.

What I'm talking about not knowing are the things I never realized I would need to know when I had a baby. Oh sure, I took those infant care classes and I read all the books so I knew how to bathe her, change her, dress her, swaddle her, blah, blah, blah.

What they neglected to teach me? How to entertain her!

That's right, there are hours to fill with activities for Baby Girl, who hasn't yet figured out how to play with toys and is only happy when her mom is performing for her. To entertain a baby, you find out that you better turn into a goofball with facial expressions to rival Jim Carrey.

You suddenly realize that you don't know more than two sentences of any song. And the one you DO know? Rock A Bye Baby? You'll realize in the middle of singing it that you're about to send the baby hurtling to a horrible death.

I've resorted to singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat over and over and Baby Girl never holds up her end of the round.

So you go out and buy a book of nursery rhymes and stories. Let's start with Henny Penny. Remember Henny Penny? She thinks the sky is falling. Well, that story ends with the deaths of every single one of the characters we have come to know and love - Henny Penny, Goosey Loosey and Ducky Lucky - a misnomer if there ever was one.

I had a discussion with some friends the other night and we realized that almost every childhood story we could remember involved a horrible death of some kind - often killing our hero, especially fairy tales. What's up with that?

There needs to be a book that they give you when your baby is born - Infants for Dummies, Entertaining from 0-3 Months. Forget information about changing a diaper - this book would have suggestions for silly faces to make during those diaper changes, how to sing the ABC song in different accents, the words to Wheels on the Bus and other ridiculously repetitive children's songs, stories that don't involve bloody deaths, etc.

Even without that though, I'm slowly figuring it out and at least Baby Girl thinks I'm the funniest thing she's ever seen. Well, except for her dad when he does his Barney Fife impression.

I'm enjoying it immensely because I know in 13 years, she's not going to find me funny AT ALL! Sort of like Saturday Night Live*. How's that for a callback?

*Although I do think that this season is slowly turning around thanks to some really funny new cast members like Kristen Wiig and Andy Samberg.

Random Thought of the Day

2006-03-14T11:13:00.000-08:00

Boniva is a terrible name for a drug that doesn't give you an erection.

Scrapguilting

2006-03-12T13:54:00.000-08:00

I consider myself a creative person. At least, I used to. I mean, I'm supposed to be creative for a living. So why is one simple project making me suicidal?

You see, now that I'm a mom, I decided that I should create a memento of my child's life. Yes, god help me, I'm trying to make a scrapbook.

It started off so promisingly. Go to Michaels (a place that has always given me the heebie jeebies), pick up some supplies and create a masterpiece.

After nearly 2 hours torturing myself at Michaels last weekend (I only managed to get out of there because my mother-in-law helped me pick things out), I am now sitting on my couch, surrounded by scrapbooking crap - the scrapbook itself, cute little premade sayings like "Special Delivery," and fun little cutouts of duckies and other baby stuff.

Now what the hell do I do?

I mean, seriously. I don't know how to get started. I don't think these projects are made for Libras. I have a hard enough time deciding what to eat for dinner. Now, I'm faced with hundreds of decisions at once.

First, I have to pick a color of paper to put on each page. To make it worse, the paper's reversible! Now I have to decide which SIDE of the paper to pick.

After that, what photos go on each page? Do I frame them or not? What cute little sayings or stickers do I use? What the hell am I supposed to do with the ribbon included with my scrapbook? Do I want to have a title on the page?

To make this all worse, my mother-in-law presented me with a selection of specialty scissors. That's right, people. There are special scrapbooking scissors with different edges. Do I want the picture or paper to have a round edge or a jagged edge? Do I want it wavy round or perm-like round? I have SIX different choices of scissors now.

I look at the sample photos and feel totally overwhelmed. I feel like a terrible mom for wanting to quit already. I mean, this mom obviously found the time to create an album for her kid.

Can I just pay someone to do this for me? If so, will I go to hell if I lie and tell people that I made it myself?

By the way, a Yahoo! search for scrapbooking?

18,200,000 results

I have to go lay down.

Poker Party

2006-03-10T14:29:00.000-08:00

Here's how we spend our weekends around here. Baby Girl's not good at hiding her tells yet but we're working on it.

And here's the shirt she's wearing. It cracks me up!

It's a Girl!

2006-03-07T13:55:00.000-08:00

I told myself that I would never dress Baby Girl in pink every day. I mean, who needs to enforce arbitrary gender stereotypes? My baby will be able to wear blue any time she wants. So we proudly wore our green, yellow and blue.

And then it started. "Oh, what a handsome boy." "He's so cute. What's his name?" "What a big boy!"

Now I have to start worrying about whether I'm giving the poor kid an identity crisis. I don't bother correcting random strangers, but with people who are going to see her more than once, I feel like I have to say something. And then I have to deal with the rounds of apologies.

"She's a girl." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Well, it's my fault. She is dressed like a boy." "No, I should have known." blah blah blah

So now we're cherishing the joy of pink...

Baby Girl pimpin' her ride!

2006-03-04T13:59:00.000-08:00

Yo, yo, yo! This one's for Archer and the rest of my peepz! This is how we style it in the Larchmont hood.

Swing Low, Sweet Savior!

2006-03-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

Girls Gone Child lent us her swing last week.
Hallelujiah!
Baby Girl went right to sleep.
Halleluuuu-jiah!

At first, she was a little suspicious of the zebra and what it wanted with her.

But now it puts her out like a light.

Although I feel a little guilty about it. I mean, look at her. Please tell me I'm not causing her brain damage!

The Ultimate Betrayal

2006-03-01T11:31:00.000-08:00

I hurt Baby Girl today. She trusts me implicitly to keep her safe and I let her down. I failed to protect her from harm. I just stood there while she cried harder than I've ever heard her cry, hands balled up into tight fists, face bright red and real tears running from her eyes. Even worse, I knew it was going to happen. In fact, I was a willing participant in the planning and execution of the violation of her tiny body.

Yes, Baby Girl got her first shots today. Four shots, one after the other, as she screamed and I cried. Of course, I realize that these shots will prevent what could be much worse for her in the future - keeping her safe from horrible disease and even more pain. But that didn't help as I held her as she sobbed. I thought my heart would break. I've never felt that kind of pain for another person before and I wish I would never have to feel it again.

Please tell me it gets easier...

Of course, I guess I should count my lucky stars that Baby Girl has been so healthy. My heart goes out to any parent who has to endure this kind of thing on a daily basis. It must be unbelievably hard.

Don't any of you people work?

2006-02-28T16:50:00.000-08:00

The partner and I are creating a sitcom pilot. It's a workplace ensemble comedy that we had actually written before that has recently been resurrected. And we just recently realized one of our biggest mistakes in the original version - our people actually worked.

This may sound funny for a workplace comedy, but take a look at Just Shoot Me, NewsRadio, Drew Carey Show, etc. You'll find that there is very little work that happens at those places. The comedy comes from the characters interacting with each other. It's an interesting lesson to learn. You could take those characters and put them in any type of business and they'd be just as funny.

So we're working on taking the work out of our workplace comedy. ;-)

Peals of laughter

2006-02-27T10:14:00.000-08:00

Baby Girl laughed out loud last night. A beautiful ringing peal of actual laughter. She's been smiling and cooing for a while now, but this is the first real laugh. It made us all laugh, then I almost cried. Motherhood is so weird.

Who is this Pooh?

2006-02-24T16:41:00.000-08:00

What is the deal with Winnie the Pooh? Since when did he become the go-to character for kids clothes? It's not like there's a choice of cartoon characters and Pooh is just one of them. Walk into any baby store and it's generic duckies or Winnie the Pooh.

The thing that I find really strange is that it's all about Winnie the Pooh and his honey fetish. But honey is totally forbidden for babies. So Winnie the Pooh is really the botulism bear.

Maybe it's a nostalgia thing and I don't get it since I wasn't a big Winnie the Pooh fan. Give me Dr. Suess any day. Or my other favorites: Where the Wild Things Are and Henrietta, the Wild Woman of Borneo.

Oh Pooh, why do you torture me?

Grandma got run over by a big grin...

2006-02-22T10:28:00.000-08:00

Baby Girl met her North Dakota grandma for the first time last night. The minute BG saw Grandma, she grinned from ear to ear. She sure knows where her bread is buttered! She and grandma have been having long, involved conversations. I believe they go something like, squeal, grunt, coo, then Grandma translates. It's pretty funny to watch. It's really nice to have an extra set of hands, especially ones that are so experienced. ND grandma has six kids and five other grandkids. Baby Girl is one lucky kid for the next two weeks!

How to get an agent - Part 1

2006-02-17T19:03:00.000-08:00

One of the first questions I'm asked by other writers when they find out what I do is, how do I get an agent? The age-old answer to this question is...write a great script. But what the hell does that mean? How do you know when you've written a great script?

Now I can't answer that for you (and I sure as hell can't read your script), but I can try to point you in the right direction. First of all, if this is your first script ever? It's not good. Trust me. You think it's great but it's not. Put it away in a drawer and write another one. Then another. Then pull that first one out of the drawer. Grimace in embarrassment.

Don't worry, we all have one of those in our closet. My first script was funny but I forgot to include things like three-dimensional characters, dialog that wasn't on-the-nose, oh, and an actual plot.

Next, make a list of your favorite films of all time. Find the scripts to those films and read them. If your favorite films aren't exactly Oscar-winners, then read a few Oscar-winning scripts as well. Now you know what a professional script looks like.

Think your script is ready now? Not quite. Please, for the love of god, spell check it! And I don't mean just using the computer program. That doesn't catch there, their and they're or other words that are spelled right but still very wrong.

I'll never forget the script I read that had a drug dealer trying to sell "hope" to an undercover cop. While that may be a really interesting image, I don't think it's what the writer was going for.

If your spelling and grammar skills aren't the best, find someone whose are. Hell, ask your old high school English teacher to take a look. Anyone!

And, yes, I know that there are professional writers who can't spell worth a damn. But you're not a pro yet. Why give anyone another reason to dismiss your writing? It's just lazy.

So, now you think your script is the best that you can possibly do? Then you're on to the next step. Which I'll continue in a second post. How's that for a cliffhanger?

Thank you!

2006-02-13T17:00:00.000-08:00

Baby Girl wanted to thank everyone for reading my blog. Is it any wonder I can't do anything but stare at her? I'm also using this as my latest thank you note. It says it all.

Porn Star Boobs

2006-02-12T15:05:00.000-08:00

User-agent: Googlebot-Image<
Disallow: /

Yes, this post is about breasts, ta-tas, melons, jugs, fun bags, heaving bosoms, expanded mammary glands...

I went for a walk the other day in a tank top (thanks to the unbelievably scary warm LA weather) and I looked down to see these massive knockers bouncing around. OK, if you know what I look like, you'll laugh because I am still just a B cup, but my boobs scare me these days. I can't seem to get used to these milk-filled mama-jamas.

Although most days I don't get to enjoy them, as Baby Girl seems to think she owns them. That's one thing that having a baby does make you realize - your boobs are no longer your own. They've moved from fun to functional. I wander around the house, in front of open windows, naked boobies flapping in the breeze.

I've even carried Baby Girl while she feeds, like the monkeys at the zoo. Who cares if the neighbors see you? They're just jugs of milk, right?

Sometimes I do have moments where I wonder if that's all I am to Baby Girl - a couple of milk bags for her enjoyment. Then the hubby hands her to me and she gives me a big smile when that nipple gets in her sights.

Just call me Boobsie McMilkinstein.

I swear..

2006-02-11T16:56:00.000-08:00

I'm going to write something about screenwriting soon. I actually started a post about getting an agent 2 weeks ago and I'm still working on it. It's getting so long, it may end up being 2 parts. Other than that, I'll try to make something exciting happen that I can write about. Right now, Baby Girl is the coolest thing around so it's hard to focus on anything else. The writing partner and I have some things to accomplish this week though so maybe something funny will happen.

Only in LA

2006-02-08T22:31:00.000-08:00

I had a truly LA experience last night. First off, we left Baby Girl with a babysitter for the very first time. Not that it was too traumatic since our babysitter is also our doula, helped us out as a baby nurse during the first week, and is a good friend of ours.

Anyway, we had a babysitter so the hubby and I and a friend could go check out a new restaurant. Of course, this being LA, it wasn't just any restaurant. That's right, we used up part of our "15 minutes" by dining in a reality show restaurant.

Although that sounds like someplace where you'd be served by reality show has-beens (that's really ANY restaurant in LA), it was actually a reality show that revolves around a restaurant.

We had to sign a confidentiality agreement so I can't really go into details, but suffice it to say that a very angry celebrity chef spent a lot of the night cursing and berating his hapless staff of wannabe chefs. It was a really bizarre and hysterical evening.

When the show starts to air, I'll let you all know what episode we were at, even though there's not really a chance in hell you'll see us on screen. So much for my fame whoring...

Baby Insomnia

2006-02-06T22:47:00.000-08:00

I read somewhere that babies sleep 18 out of 24 hours. HA! Baby Girl's got it backwards. She sleeps maybe 6 out of 24 hours. I think it was Rodney Dangerfield who said, "I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every 20 minutes and cried." The weird thing is that she sleeps fine at night.

Our schedule goes something like: midnight - finally asleep, 3 am - eat, then sleep, 6 am - eat, then sleep, 8:30 am - eat, then sleep, 20 minutes later - cry, cuddle, rock, bounce, swing, shoosh, eat, sleep, 20 minutes later - cry, cuddle, rock, bounce, swing, shoosh, eat, sleep, repeat until insanity begins or midnight, whichever comes sooner.

I'm actually doing OK with the lack of sleep but the baby looks like a long-haul trucker, all swollen bloodshot eyes with bags under them. She's gotta be high as a kite on adrenaline.

The hubby keeps saying that it means she's brilliant because Leonardo da Vinci only slept 20 minutes at a time. She's certainly acting like every turn at my nipple is The Last Supper. Ba-duh-bump. Man, I need to get some sleep!

Superbowl Sunday

2006-02-05T22:46:00.000-08:00

Baby Girl is ready for the game! Although she really watches for the commercials.

Man, every time I take her picture, I feel like I'm traumatizing her for life. What's with the petrified look on her face?

Who's your daddy?!?

2006-02-02T12:34:00.000-08:00

The hubby's mom sent us some baby photos of him and I guess we know who Baby Girl looks like now. Good lord!

Welcome new visitors!

2006-01-29T18:48:00.000-08:00

Welcome to all of you who found me through Girls Gone Child! Thanks for your comments. I'm new to this whole blogging thing so you'll have to bear with me. I'm a compulsive self editor so I tend to save drafts of posts to review over and over then forget to actually post them. So you'll find three posts from the last week suddenly appear in one day. I'm working on that. I'm also trying to figure out doing links to other blogs. I may have to have GGC come next door and help me. I'm hoping to get better as I go along. Looking forward to figuring this out as people mock me!

Eat. Sleep. Poop.

2006-01-24T18:53:00.000-08:00

I realized the other day that my life has become eat, sleep, poop. Baby Girl has been too little to actually take anywhere, especially since my doctor completely freaked me out about cold and flu season. I'm sure it's bad enough when your kid's sick but to feel like it's your fault for taking her out too soon? No thanks.

Not to mention that I'm too lame to figure out how to get her outside anyway. I'm really bad at manuevering our jogger/car seat combo. She screams if I try to put her into the sling. And it takes 2 people to straighten her legs to get her into the baby carrier.

I've only taken her out for a walk a couple of times when the hubby was around to help get her in the stroller. But now she's almost a month old and I don't have an excuse anymore. We're going to have to make a public debut sometime. After all, I can't wear these same pajamas every single day forever, can I?

My big goal for this week is to make it to one class at the Y. Since it's pre and post-natal, I can take the baby. Now if I could just figure out how the hell to get her into the car and the gym without completely traumatizing her...

Hollywood loves crazy

2006-01-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

The writing partner and I are pitching for a rewriting assignment. We've heard the basic idea from our manager - it's not exactly groundbreaking, but, at this point, beggars can't be choosers. So we go to meet with the executive, who's read a couple of our unsold scripts and likes our style.

Now, he's paid money for this script already but wants a completely new take on just the idea alone. We do the dog and pony show outlining where we'd go with the idea and he likes it. He asks us to develop an outline. We ask to read the original script. He says no. According to him, the script is so horrible that he doesn't want us to read it or it may kill some brain cells. Did I mention he paid money for this script?

We ask why the original writer isn't doing the rewrite. We're told that the writer is completely insane and impossible to work with. We politely probe how this script sale happened. Turns out that the exec lost a bidding war for another property and this was the first script he saw with the same premise.

I did mention that he paid money for this script right? Oh, and that he didn't buy any of our scripts - the original ideas that he liked from the non-bat shit crazy writers?

That's show business.

How fast they grow!

2006-01-19T18:35:00.000-08:00

My baby girl has suddenly become a teenager. Her face is covered in acne and she's developing a real attitude. She's taken to flipping me the bird constantly. I guess it's appropriate because she is 16...days old. How time flies.

Although I won't be posting a picture of her with her poor red face, I have taken several that will come in handy when she starts dating. Oh, let the humiliation by mom begin!

I defy you to not fall in love!

2006-01-18T18:37:00.000-08:00

Can you believe the lips on this kid? Stand back, Brangelina. I realize most parents think their baby is the most beautiful creature on earth but prove me wrong!

Don't hate me...

2006-01-17T16:25:00.000-08:00

Pregnancy sucked for me. I threw up nearly every meal the entire 10 months. The acid reflux was so bad that I had to give up bending from the waist -- not to mention anything with tomatoes, citrus fruits or chocolate. About the only things I could eat were granola bars and pineapple, funnily enough, making my child's Hawaiian middle name even more appropriate.

But all the suffering has paid off. The baby girl is 2 weeks old today and I'm already back in my pre-pregnancy jeans. I'm actually only 8 pounds over pre-pregnancy weight as of today and 5 of that has to be my massive boobs. New mothers everywhere want to murder me.

All I can say is...I wanted to kill all of the pregnant women who told me how much they LOVED being pregnant and how GREAT they felt while I barfed in the trash can next to them. HA! Now it's my turn. Suck it!

Hollywood Pitch Meeting Catch-22

2006-01-15T17:47:00.000-08:00

So I promised to talk about screenwriting as well. Since I'm on hiatus from projects for a few weeks, I'll have to relay some old stories. The first is from one of the first pitch meetings my writing partner and I went on.

We show up bright and early for the meeting and hang out on the studio lot until just before we're due - god forbid you show up early and look desperate. We take the water that's offered right away, because otherwise, you'll be asked 5 times if you want water.

We're ushered into the inner sanctum of the high powered executive. Small talk ensues, then we launch into our adult-themed comedy pitch. Bear in mind that the executive has already been pitched this adult-themed comedy idea by our manager and agreed to meet with us based on the idea.

He lets us get through the entire pitch, then asks us who we see as starring in it. We've prepared for this, so we rattle off the name of one of the best known comic actors.

His response? "He wouldn't do a movie like this. Not any more."

We go for a lesser known comedian. "That would be slumming for him."

How about TV actor? "Can't open a movie."

At this point, we begin to feel like the executive is enjoying our desperate tap dancing a little too much. So we say, "Well, who do you see in it?"

"Have you thought about Dakota Fanning?"

"Um...child star Dakota Fanning? Like 11-year-old Dakota Fanning?"

"Yeah, she's really hot right now."

"Ok. But the lead character is a man undergoing a series of sexual experiences."

"Yeah, but you can change that."

"Ok. Sure. I suppose."

After the meeting, the exec called our manager to tell her how much he liked us but that our idea had been done to death. He'd already been pitched a bunch of coming of age stories for Dakota Fanning.

Sigh.

I'll kill you dead

2006-01-13T16:18:00.000-08:00

I was watching the news the other day and there was footage of yet another police chase. The fleeing car ended up going the wrong way down an offramp and ramming a car with a woman and her baby. As the police pull up and jump out guns drawn, the woman exits her car and attempts to kick the crap out of the suspect.

And I completely understood.

As we drove our 2-day-old baby girl home from the hospital, some jackass in a huge truck was tailgating us, then whipped around us to pass. Now, keep in mind that we were right on the tail of the car in front of us. Typical LA driving that I've seen a million times.

Only this time, I felt a surge of rage boil up from the very depths of my being. As we pulled up next to the truck at a red light, I had to actually restrain myself from getting out and punching the guy in the head.

I suddenly realized what people mean when they say they'd kill for their kids. I've become a mom cliche. Look at my kid funny and I'll kill you dead.

Baby Girl is one week old

2006-01-10T11:16:00.000-08:00

I never thought I'd have a baby. I'm not exactly the motherly type. Babies actually scared me. Around people who had babies, I was supremely uncomfortable -- afraid that I would do or say something to scar that kid for life. I didn't coo over babies or squeal over tiny baby outfits. Even when I met the *PMMD (Perfect Man o' My Dreams), I didn't think I could do it. Having a tiny helpless creature dependent on me? [shudder]

When I was three months pregnant and hadn't told anyone about it yet, somehow the subject of babies came up while I was talking with a friend. My friend looked at me and said, "Yeah, but you're never going to have kids, right? You don't even like them." I started laughing and had to admit that yes, although I didn't like kids, I was about to have one of my own. She almost fell off her chair.

And now here she is -- the most perfect creature in the world. And all I can do is screw it up from here.

Supermodel sporting her Uggs

2006-01-09T18:19:00.000-08:00

Why is it that things I find so abhorent on adults are so damn cute when you put them on a baby?
She's so L.A.!

Who IS this person?

2006-01-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's right. I've finally broken down and created my own blog. This way, my friends can find out what I'm up to without being subjected to an update on how many times my beautiful daughter pooped today. As if anyone who doesn't know me will be reading this, but I'm a screenwriter in Hollywood who recently had my life changed with the birth of my incredibly delicious baby girl. This blog will follow my adventures in the jungles of Hollywood mixed with adventures in the jungles of child rearing. Not sure which is more vicious at the moment but both seem to be filled with people who think their opinion of your creation is the only right one. Since the baby girl is brand new and the screenwriting is old hat, I may have trouble balancing the two, but I'll work on that.